The story of isolation is not a sad story
It is indeed a hopeful story!
It reveals the power of connection
One of the existential paradoxes is that we all want to be individual and unique, yet we crave for connection. Our need to belong links us together and binds us through family, friends, our hometowns, or even common interests. Such an innate yearning proves how essential fellow human beings are; we simply cannot exist without one another. Indeed, our very bodies and minds are evolved to collaborate in social systems.
What I have learnt over the past few years is that this strong sense of belonging can be threatened when we come face-to-face with something different or somebody new, as they remind us that we are not the same. It seems, therefore, natural for us to form a sense of identity within our social groups and then create an "us" versus "them" paradigm. This divide can really get out of hand and show up in how we behave in elections or referendums e.g. Brexit - where people bond based on fear and hatred against those different from them.
Aldous Huxley, who is an English writer and philosopher, wrote a book called "Brave New World". In this book, society, emotions and individuality are conditioned out of children at a young age, and there are no lasting relationships because “everyone belongs to every one else". He writes in this book: "If one's different, one's bound to be alone". What he means by that is that in such a society, where everybody is looked at and encouraged to be the same, to be different equals standing alone or seen as strange.
It is daunting to be different and stand alone. At least, it is how it used to be for me. For years, I used to feel out of place whenever I was noticed because my name, accent or appearance was different from others. The way I was expected to introduce myself with - Female, Iranian, Asian etc. – became my self-identity.
By introducing myself the way society wanted, I was feeling internally distant from who I actually was. People's constant curiosity about my origins and background, in the first instance, used to trigger my insecurities; I used to think their enquiries were an indication that I wasn't welcomed or accepted. But most importantly, I was feeling conflicted as I had no real sense of belonging to a country, region or group.
In order to feel that I belonged, I tried hard to fit in everywhere I went. That meant that I had to conform one way or another. On one hand, this gave me an opportunity to meet new people and make new friendships along the way. On the other hand, I started to feel even lonelier despite having so many people around.
As I grew older and more mature, I learned that life is full of transient relationships and not everyone I met would stay in my life or actually become a "friend".
My beautiful friend Olga once told me "Sepi, I can't afford having many friends. Friendship is like an investment. It takes time, effort, love, care, and commitment for it to grow" And she was right. It is not the number, but the quality of friendship that counts.
Since leaving the UK two years ago, I have had a lot of time to spend on my own, focusing on understanding myself and learning more about myself as a human being. One thing that I came to understand is that, at a fundamental level, isolation is yet another facet of the human condition. And it takes courage to stand alone and face who you are.
Whilst working as a Community Development Officer at the Refugee Council, one of the biggest issues I struggled with centred around the topic of ‘sense of isolation among resettled families’. I used to receive emails from volunteers, funders and colleagues asking me about what approaches I had in order to help resettled families who were feeling isolated in rural areas of North Yorkshire.
Because we covered 8 small to mid-size towns, it wasn’t always easy to link families up. In some small towns we only had two families. Due to long distances and lack of transportation, traveling from one area to the other wasn’t easy. Some resettled families would move out of small towns to bigger cities because of the lack of ties with people from their own background/communities. Having said that, throughout my work with newcomers, I also faced cases of racism, family squabbles, and tensions between families from the same background. These conflicts happened in both big cities and small towns. Therefore, it was interesting, if perhaps not surprising then, that many told me that they actually preferred not to be close to people from the same background.
A year ago I would have never dreamed of being able to write a blog and share my vulnerabilities so openly. But the fear of being exposed to judgement meant that I would shy away from my authentic self. To some extent I also realised that it actually doesn't matter what I do or say because I can never control what response I get. My control is over who I am and want to be and that is my power. That is the only thing that is worthy of my attention.
So, how can we connect but also keep our individuality? How can standing alone seem desirable in an age that your popularity seems to be based on number of friends or followers, likes and dislikes you have? How can we create relationships that are nurturing and healthy? What is true belonging?
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great,”
Maya Angelou
Brene Brown, who is a writer and a social scientist, has recently published a book called "Braving the Wilderness". In her book, she writes "True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that's rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it's easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism. But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it's a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity. It's a personal commitment that we carry in our hearts."
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